


of sunshines and thunderstorms

by LeiUmbrella



Series: Let Me Go [2]
Category: Produce 101 (TV), X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Male Friendship, Romance, Unconventional Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-29
Updated: 2020-01-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:14:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22459321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeiUmbrella/pseuds/LeiUmbrella
Summary: Yohan watches his friends' YouTube video "Exes Talk To Each Other: Tying up Loose Ends" as he finds out certain aspects of his friends' romance he didn't know before - all the while eating potato chips.alternatively:Love destructs and Hangyul knows it very well.
Relationships: Han Seungwoo/Lee Hangyul, Kim Yohan & Lee Hangyul
Series: Let Me Go [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1616086
Comments: 4
Kudos: 25





	of sunshines and thunderstorms

**Author's Note:**

> unbetaed fic I wrote instead of doing work. I'll proofread when I go home, but I just wanted to share this fic right now because this story has been plaguing my mind for a long time now, okay? Haha.
> 
> Enjoy?

“I can’t believe you did this, Hangyul.” Yohan said, quite exasperatedly, as he opened the YouTube video that read **Exes Talk To Each Other: Tying Up Loose Ends.** Immediately after opening though, he paused it again and faced toward Hangyul “Couldn’t Yuvin hyung have used a less cliché title for the video?”

Hangyul just tossed to Yohan’s direction the hardbound book he was reading, which the latter successfully avoided. “Geez, lighten up.”

“How many views are there?”

“Around 50,000. Dude, you and Seungwoo hyung are now famous!”

“Fuck off. My parents just disowned me for that.”

“Well, who told you to do this video anyway? You could have said no to Yuvin hyung.”

And to that, Hangyul had no rebuttal, no alibi. Just the truth: “I just wanted to see him again. And when Yuvin hyung asked me to do that video, I took it as a chance.”

Yohan nodded pensively, “Yeah… and you didn’t think to come out to your parents prior to agreeing with this video? Real smart, Gyul.”

Breathing deeply, Hangyul glared at Yohan, “Let me go for a jog first. Watch that video if you want to, I don’t care.”

Nonchalantly, Yohan just nodded yes. And when he heard the door behind him close and Hangyul’s retreating footsteps go quieter and quieter, he finally pressed play.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The two boys were seated in a small, dimly lit room. Seated across each other, with very little distance. There was a somber, downright overdramatic music in the background, which Yohan can only assume was edited in by Yuvin.

 **Seungwoo** : I loved you back then. And somehow, I think I still do.

 **Hangyul** : I know. Thank you for that, and I’m really sorry too.

(They both smile sadly to each other, as the camera pans to black and shows the title of the video. In a few seconds, the screen showed the first question.)

**How did you two meet?**

(Yohan didn’t know what to expect when he watched the video, but he didn’t expect to see his two friends’ eyes light up as they reminisce about the past. Grabbing the potato chips on his left, he eagerly ate while he watched his friends talk.)

 **Seungwoo:** It was during your last year of High School, wasn’t it, Gyul? (Hangyul nodded). You were a part of the school dance troupe, and Seungyoun volunteered to help the troupe choreograph for the year-end performance. And confident in himself as Seungyoun was, he couldn’t help but feel nervous about his output.

 **Hangyul:** (Scoffs in disbelief) he was?

(Seungwoo laughs while adjusting himself on his seat, continuing to speak all the while smiling)

 **Seungwoo:** Yeah, he was very nervous. Anxious as fuck. So he asked the help of the former members of the troupe who were by then already in college. And I was one of them. And… yeah. I watched your performance, and the group was very competent as a whole, and you were all having fun, but… but I guess I was drawn to you?

 **Hangyul:** Because you found me hot?

(Taken aback by the sudden, unexpected question, Seungwoo burst out laughing and Hangyul sheepishly smiled, while Yohan just rolled his eyes in front of the screen, mouthing the words “Hangyul flirt” “Seungwoo hyung whipped”)

 **Seungwoo:** Well, you aren’t wrong. You were, indeed, very attractive. But also a minor at that time, and a high school kid. So I didn’t dare make a move. Add that to the fact that I thought you were straight, and whew. I couldn’t dare dream.

(The screen flashed yet another question: How did you end up dating each other then? To which both boys answered at the same time):

 **Hangyul:** I seduced him.

 **Seungwoo:** He seduced me.

(They laughed loudly together, and when the laughter subsided, they smiled at each other, their gazes tinged with nostalgia.)

 **Seungwoo:** This kid asked for my number, saying some badly thought of alibi like “I wanna ask for your advice on dancing” etc etc. And before I know it, he started talking to me about my different interests, texting until the ungodly hours of the night.

 **Hangyul:** I did some research on you, hyung. I asked around what your hobbies were. And when I learned you like films, I searched and watched for the films you liked. And when I learned you liked music, I literally begged Seungyoun hyung to teach me a thing or two about music, just so we could have something to talk about.

 **Seungwoo:** Wow. I didn’t know this?

 **Hangyul:** Yeah.. well, I liked you a lot. I think I liked you more than you liked me. (Hangyul said in a teasing tone).

 **Seungwoo:** Why? Because you found me hot?

(Yohan munches on his potato chips as he wonders if the two are really exes or if they’re just flirting on the internet)

 **Hangyul:** You… uh… well, I can’t deny that. You were indeed hot. But the thing is, that time during the dance troupe practice? It wasn’t the first time I saw you.

(Seungwoo cocked his eyebrow high, his expression curious, while Yohan nodded profusely in front of the screen “Yeah hyung, Hangyul has liked you for a long time now” he suddenly grew shocked though and momentarily stopped munching on his chips as he exclaimed, “Wait, Seungwoo hyung didn’t know _that_?!)

 **Hangyul:** I saw you for the first time back in…. (Hangyul pauses, seemingly hesitating to go on, and takes a deep breath)

 **Seungwoo:** Hey, you okay?

 **Hangyul** : Actually I’m not. (Hangyul looks panic-stricken, while Seungwoo, confused and concerned, as the screen shows the next question).

**How did you go from the flirting stage to actually dating?**

**Seungwoo:** Oh. I asked him out.

(Hangyul still looks nervous due to uncertain reasons, but he managed to smile)

 **Hangyul:** All my seducing worked well.

(Seungwoo smiles fondly)

 **Seungwoo:** Yeah, it did. My friends were surprised that I was dating a High School senior though. Told me I’d go to jail. (snickers at himself), you were 17 years old, I was 21, and I had a bit of a…. reputation back then.

 **Hangyul:** What sort of reputation?

 **Seungwoo:** Uh.. you know. Just the type who dates for sex and stuff. (Seungwoo holds the back of his nape as he sheepishly continues on) It’s embarrassing, to be honest. I wasn’t.. I wasn’t a good guy.

 **Hangyul:** Oh.. but you were? I thought you were a good guy.

 **Seungwoo:** That’s good to hear. I tried to be the best version of myself for you. It wasn’t my first relationship, but it was the first time I loved like that. It was my first time being in a relationship that wasn’t just… physical.

(Hangyul smiled and laughed quietly)

 **Hangyul:** This guy wouldn’t even kiss me back then. Each time we kissed, I was the one who initiated.

 **Seungwoo:** I don’t know. I didn’t want to… _taint_ you. You were so innocent, so pure. And I wanted to protect you. I don’t know. I’m not making much sense, am I?

 **Hangyul:** Yeah, you aren’t. But don’t worry. I understand you.

 **Seungwoo:** I was just so in love with you. And I think I still am. You looked beautiful, you know? When you smiled. Or when you jokingly styled your hair like an ice cream. Or when you’re just talking animatedly about some dance groups you found very amazing. Or when you talk to me about your little brother and it made me soft how much you loved him. And… Gyul, I don’t know, the list just goes on.

 **Hangyul:** You really did love me, didn’t you? Thanks for that. And sorry. Sorry for everything.

**What problems did you two face when you were dating?**

**Hangyul:** Me.

 **Seungwoo:** Shut up. How can you say that so easily? I… we had problems, sure. But I’m not sure how you can simply boil it down to “me”.

 **Hangyul:** But weren’t I really the main problem back then, hyung? We dated for two years, and those two years, I felt apologetic to you. Your family accepts you for who you are, and whenever there were family events at your place, you showed me to your family proudly, telling them I was your boyfriend. But I… (sighing deeply) I could only ever introduce you to my parents as my best friend alongside Yohan. And… I hated it. I know you hated it, too.

 **Seungwoo:** I hated it, I admit. I hated being your “best friend”. Hated being unable to post photos of us online. Hated not being able to hold your hands in public. But I was willing to sacrifice, willing to endure for us.

 **Hangyul:** I know. You were my strength. I wondered how you could still love me despite my shortcomings, but you did. And that gave me strength.

 **Seungwoo:** You were my strength, too.

 **Hangyul:** No I wasn’t. I only ever brought you down. You were a ray of sunshine to me. And when we started dating, you told me you liked me because I was bright and jolly and I made you happy. But… But I wasn’t that happy of a person, was I? You expected a cheerful boyfriend when you dated me, but what you got instead was a depressive prick with lots of issues.

 **Seungwoo:** But I didn’t really care. Didn’t really care even if you had issues or not, I just tried my best to help you get through with them.

 **Hangyul:** Hyung, you did care. But you cared too much about me, not thinking about yourself. Isn’t that why we broke up?

**Why exactly did you break up?**

**Hangyul:** Because of me.

 **Seungwoo:** No.. please don’t say that.

 **Hangyul:** No… I told you before, it really wasn’t your fault. It was mine. And I’m sorry. You see… I… I had lots of issues. I loved my family, they adopted me without knowing who my biological family is. Loved me without any conditions despite my shortcomings but I… I was too insecure to fit in. They were all very intelligent. While I was just.. Hangyul.

(Hangyul’s voice started sounding shaky, as he struggled to continue)

 **Hangyul:** We dated each other because we liked each other. But during the worst of the worst of my moods, whenever my self-esteem plummets, it felt like I dated you to be my counselor.

 **Seungwoo:** That isn’t true, you know that.

 **Hangyul:** It is. You were getting stressed out with me, I knew it.

 **Seungwoo:** Yes. I was getting stressed out because I wanted to help you, but I couldn’t. But I was willing to endure, I told you that, right?

 **Hangyul:** Hyung… (tears start pooling at his eyes) hyung…. You started hurting yourself because of your stress with me. You wore such long sleeves, you never showed me your arms, but I saw.

 **Seungwoo:** I know. And I’m sorry you had to see that. But.. I told you, didn’t I? Told you I would try to do better. I told you I won’t hurt myself any longer.

 **Hangyul:** Hyung… I couldn’t bear it. You were a ray of sunshine to me, but I was like a destructive storm to you. And you deserved much better than that. Much better than me.

 **Seungwoo:** I loved you. And I think I still do. Scratch that. I know I still do. And you’re the only one I ever wanted.

 **Hangyul:** I know. And I’m sorry that I _can’t_ be the one you want. You can’t want someone who incites you to self-destruct, can you? When I said you were my strength, I meant it

(Hangyul takes a deep breath, trying to stop his hands from shaking).

 **Hangyul:** At 12 years old, I failed most of my classes, and my family was very understanding of it. And it made me even angrier at myself, angry that they don’t deserve to have a son as undeserving and stupid as I am. I tried to jump off a bridge back then… and you saved me. You had bowl cut hair back then, and you frankly looked a bit ridiculous, but you held out your hand to me, asking me to come down of the railings. You treated me ice cream back then, too. And you… (Tears come pouring out continuously). I don’t even remember what you said back then, just that you hugged me and patted my head, asking me not to do it again.

(Seungwoo stares at Hangyul, agape and surprised, his expression a mix of shock and sadness, with tears falling from his eyes)

 **Hangyul:** Don’t you understand? You keep on saving me. You’ve saved me even before you knew me. But I… I keep on bringing sadness to you. You were my ray of sunshine, and you still are. But I don’t deserve you. You’re too good for me. And…

(The two boys sobbed onscreen while Yohan watches, his potato chips long forgotten as he too found himself crying at his two friends’ experiences. Neither of them said the true reason for the breakup, and knowing how much pain they were in just broke him. There were still a few minutes to go before the video ends, but he promptly pressed close and ran out the door, hoping to catch up with Hangyul, to talk to him. As he was about to leave the house though, someone knocked on the door, and Yohan welcomed him in.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Gyul!” Yohan screamed out, running after his friend. Hangyul looked at him weirdly, so did other people. And it’s not like he can blame them: he was jogging, wearing his pajamas and furry slippers.

“Yohan, what in the world?”

Gasping for breath, Yohan hurried to him, “I watched the video. You.. why did you never tell me the real reason for your breakup?”

“I don’t know. It was too painful, I guess..”

“Well then, how come you were able to talk about all that in front of cameras? And you couldn’t even tell your best friend?”

“Hey.. sorry. But can you please tone down your voice? Everyone’s looking at us.” At that, Yohan blushed as he noticed the stares of the other joggers, “anyway, sorry, Yohan. I truly am.”

“It’s fine..” Yohan said, exaggeratedly quieting down his voice, “Uh.. let’s go home.” He grabbed Hangyul’s hand hurriedly.

“Wait, why? Yohan, hey, why?”

“Seungwoo hyung visited, and he wants to see you.”

Yohan ran, holding Hangyul’s hand, dragging him along with him. When they reached back to their apartment, he said, “See? You don’t have to do a YouTube interview to see the person you love. You can just call them or go to their house like a normal person. Now go inside, doofus.”

With short breaths and gasping for air, Hangyul nervously opened the door, unsure of what he wants, unsure of what this will bring.

The only thing he’s sure of is Seungwoo is his ray of sunshine, and he still does not know if he deserves him.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys liked it. I swear to god, I really will proofread this when I get home. Haha. In the meantime, holler at me on twt @LeiUmbrella. I'm a clown.


End file.
